The Relationship Audit: The Elul Guide to Repairing Relationships Before Rosh Hashanah - PART TWO
Written by Yitzchak Zeitler
The sages teach that the month of Elul is a gift. It is not merely a countdown to the Days of Awe but a Divine invitation to pause before the judgment of Rosh Hashanah and ask one of life's most searching questions:
Who am I becoming in the eyes of the people who know me best?
Success is easy to measure. Wealth can be counted. Professional achievements can be listed. Even religious observance can sometimes be quantified. Relationships cannot.
They reveal something deeper than accomplishments. They expose our patience, humility, generosity, forgiveness, and ability to see the Divine image in another human being.
The Baal Shem Tov offers a profound lens through which to approach our relationships during Elul. Explaining the Mishnah's teaching, "Who is wise? One who learns from every person" (Pirkei Avos 4:1), he writes that just as a mirror reveals our physical appearance, noticing a fault in another person should prompt us to examine whether some trace of that same failing exists within ourselves. Before judging others, we are invited to turn the mirror inward and engage in honest self-reflection. (Baal Shem Tov al HaTorah, Bereishis §125.)
Perhaps this is why Elul focuses so intensely on interpersonal repair. Before we ask Hashem to change our decree, we are asked whether we have changed ourselves.
Conducting Your Personal Relationship Audit
Businesses perform annual audits to discover what has been overlooked. Elul invites us to do the same. Not to condemn ourselves—but to pursue truth with honesty and compassion.
Consider setting aside an uninterrupted hour during Elul with a notebook and asking yourself the following four questions.
1. Is there anyone I need to forgive?
Holding onto resentment often feels like justice. In reality, it usually becomes a prison.
The Torah commands:
"You shall not hate your brother in your heart."
(Vayikra 19:17)
Notice that the Torah speaks not only about actions but about hidden emotions. The prohibition begins long before outward conflict.
The Sefer HaChinuch (Mitzvah 238) explains that concealed hatred is especially destructive because it leaves resentment buried rather than resolved. But we are also warned not to lash out in hatred either, as that would violate other commandments as well. Even though the Torah teaches that lasting peace is built through constructive rebuke, it is only permitted if done in not only an honest way, but in a very respectful manner, as harboring silent resentment is also a very damaging sin.
It does not mean pretending the hurt never occurred. It does not require abandoning healthy boundaries. Nor does it always require immediate reconciliation.
Rather, forgiveness is the gradual decision to stop allowing another person's wrongdoing to occupy permanent residence in our own hearts.
As Rav Avraham Yitzchak HaKohen Kook wrote:
"The pure soul cannot hate any person or any nation..."
(Middot HaRe'iyah, Ahavah)
Rav Kook understood that hatred ultimately harms the one who carries it. The soul was created to expand through love, not contract through bitterness. Forgiveness is therefore not merely a gift to another person, but rather it is an act of spiritual liberation.
2. Have I become difficult to live with?
One of the greatest dangers of spiritual growth is believing everyone else needs it more than we do.
The Mesillas Yesharim, authored by the Ramchal (Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto), opens the sefer in the Hakdamah (Introduction) by observing that the foundations of spiritual growth are often neglected, not because they are difficult to understand, but because people fail to pause and reflect upon them.
Character flaws become invisible through familiarity:
Do our family members feel heard?
Do coworkers feel respected?
Are we quicker to criticize than encourage?
Would those closest to us describe us as calm—or exhausting?
Rav Yisrael Salanter, with the founding of the Mussar movement, emphasized regular cheshbon hanefesh—an honest accounting of one's character—and encouraged seeking truthful self-knowledge rather than relying solely on one's own judgment.
"What is one thing I could improve that would make living or working with me easier?"
Few questions require greater humility.
Few produce greater growth.
Shlomo HaMelech teaches:
"Wounds by a loved one are long-lasting."
(Mishlei 27:6)
Sometimes the greatest act of love is honest feedback.
3. Have I expressed gratitude?
Continuing again with Pirkei Avos, the Mishnah teaches:
"Who is wealthy? One who rejoices in his portion."
(Pirkei Avos 4:1)
Gratitude is not merely satisfaction with possessions. It extends to people.
How often do we thank:
our spouse for ordinary acts of kindness?
our parents for decades of sacrifice?
teachers who shaped our lives?
employees whose work often goes unnoticed?
children whose presence fills our homes with joy?
Gratitude is one of the Torah's foundational character traits as the Sefer HaChinuch explains that the mitzvah of honoring one's parents is rooted in recognizing the immense good they have done for us. By cultivating gratitude toward those who gave us life and cared for us, we develop the capacity to recognize and appreciate the infinitely greater kindness of Hashem, our ultimate Creator and Sustainer (Sefer HaChinuch, Mitzvah 33).
The Midrash likewise portrays Pharaoh as the embodiment of kefiyat tovah—ingratitude—for refusing to acknowledge the extraordinary good that Yosef had done for Egypt (Shemos Rabbah 1:8). Building upon this principle, Chazal famously teach that one who denies the good done to him by another person ultimately diminishes his ability to recognize the goodness of the Holy One.
Genuine appreciation for the people in our lives is therefore far more than good manners; it is a spiritual discipline that prepares the heart for a deeper relationship with Hashem.
Human gratitude trains Divine gratitude. Perhaps one of the simplest Elul practices is this:
Every day, sincerely thank one person who rarely hears it.
4. Have I listened more than I have spoken?
Modern life encourages broadcasting. Judaism encourages listening. The Torah repeatedly commands:
Shema.
Hear.
Listen.
Pay attention.
The Torah's repeated command of "Shema" reminds us that listening is itself a sacred act. Healthy relationships are often strengthened not by having better answers, but by learning to listen more attentively. How many arguments persist not because people disagree—but because neither feels heard?
Sometimes the greatest apology is not a speech. It is silent attention.
The Power of Asking Forgiveness
Perhaps the most recognizable Elul custom is requesting mechilah—forgiveness—from those we have wronged.
The Gemara teaches:
"One who overlooks the wrongs done to him has his sins overlooked in Shamayim."
(Rosh Hashanah 17a)
Measure for measure. The mercy we extend becomes the mercy we receive. If we are merciful to those who have wronged us, all the more merciful HaShem will be with us.
Delving into the full process needed for Forgiveness, the Rambam explains that genuine repentance requires four essential elements:
abandon one’s sins and remove them from his/her thoughts
resolve never to commit them again
sincerely regret the past sins
verbally confessing it
(Hilchos Teshuvah 2:2)
Notice what is absent.
Excuses.
Half-apologies.
"If you were offended..."
"I'm sorry you felt that way..."
Real teshuvah accepts responsibility without qualification.
Sometimes a sincere apology consists of only three sentences:
"I was wrong." "I understand how I hurt you." "I am committed to doing better."
No defenses. No explanations. No shifting blame. Humility opens doors that pride never can.
The Relationships That Cannot Be Fully Repaired
Not every relationship ends happily. Some people have passed away. Others remain unwilling to reconcile. Still others require distance because reconciliation would invite continued harm.
Judaism recognizes these painful realities.
The Rambam (Hilchos Teshuvah 2:9) noted that Jewish law recognizes that reconciliation is ideal, but not always possible. The obligation is to make sincere efforts to seek forgiveness where appropriate, while recognizing that not every relationship can be restored. Not every fractured relationship can be restored. Nevertheless, every person remains responsible for purifying his own heart before Hashem.
Sometimes the relationship audit ends not with reunion, but with sincere prayer.
A letter never mailed.
A Psalm recited.
An act of charity dedicated in another's merit.
Even where reconciliation proves impossible, spiritual healing remains possible.
Becoming Easier for Heaven to Bless
There is a remarkable teaching in the Midrash:
"Just as He is compassionate and merciful, so too you should be compassionate and merciful."
(Sifrei, Eikev; Shabbos 133b)
The goal of Elul is not merely self-improvement. It is imitation of the Divine.
Every act of patience reflects His patience.
Every act of forgiveness reflects His forgiveness.
Every act of kindness reflects His kindness.
In Tanya, Iggeres HaTeshuvah, Chapter 1, the Alter Rebbe explains that teshuvah restores the soul's bond with its Divine source, repairing the spiritual connection weakened by sin. That return is not limited to correcting isolated sins. It is the restoration of the soul's natural closeness to Hashem.
Relationships are among the clearest expressions of that return. The more we resemble the Divine in our treatment of others, the closer we become to Him.
A Seven-Day Elul Relationship Challenge
As Elul progresses, consider dedicating one week to intentional relationship repair.
Day One: Pray specifically for someone with whom you have tension.
Day Two: Reach out to someone you have unintentionally neglected.
Day Three: Offer a sincere compliment without expecting anything in return.
Day Four: Ask forgiveness from one person you have wronged.
Day Five: Forgive someone privately, even if they never ask.
Day Six: Perform an anonymous act of kindness.
Day Seven: Spend uninterrupted time with someone you love—without your phone, distractions, or agenda.
Small acts repeated consistently reshape the heart.
Preparing for the Heavenly Court
The image of Rosh Hashanah is majestic:
The King sits in judgment. The books are opened in front of Him. Every life passes before Him.
Yet Jewish tradition reminds us that we do not arrive alone. We arrive carrying every conversation, every kindness, every insult, every encouragement, every apology offered—and every apology withheld.
The Zohar repeatedly describes unity among the Jewish people as creating harmony in the spiritual worlds above. Communal harmony is not merely socially beneficial. It is spiritually transformative. Perhaps that explains why our sages placed such extraordinary emphasis on repairing relationships before the Yamim Nora'im.
The heavenly courtroom does not evaluate only how faithfully we prayed. It asks how faithfully we loved.
Did we speak gently?
Did we forgive generously?
Did we judge others favorably?
Did we protect another person's dignity?
Did we become the kind of person whose presence brought peace into a room?
These questions cannot be answered by anyone else. They form the heart of the Elul relationship audit.
Returning Home
Teshuvah is often translated as "repentance," but its deeper meaning is simply return.
Return to our Creator.
Return to our highest self.
Return to the people we have neglected.
Return to the relationships that matter most.
The shofar of Elul is more than an alarm clock for the soul. It is a call home.
Not only home to Hashem, but home to one another. Imagine standing before Hashem on Rosh Hashanah knowing that you made the difficult phone call.
You wrote the letter.
You forgave the offense.
You admitted your mistake.
You thanked the people who deserved your gratitude.
You chose humility over pride.
You chose peace over resentment.
You chose relationship over being right.
That is the essence of Elul.
Not perfection. Not flawless relationships. Not a life without conflict. But a heart that is actively returning.
As we enter the new year, may we merit to repair what can be repaired, forgive what must be forgiven, strengthen the bonds that sustain us, and stand before Hashem with relationships that reflect His compassion, His kindness, and His love.
May our renewed connections with one another help open the gates of mercy above, so that we and all of Klal Yisrael are inscribed and sealed for a year of life, health, peace, blessing, and abundant goodness.
Kesivah V'Chasimah Tovah.