Before Yom Kippur: How to Ask for Forgiveness and Make Things Right
Before Yom Kippur, spiritual preparation includes the courage to make a difficult call, offer a sincere apology, and repair what can still be made right.
An accessible guide to mechilah, sincere apologies, repairing relationships, and the difference between sins involving Hashem and those involving another person
As Yom Kippur approaches, many of us begin preparing for the familiar rituals of the day. We think about fasting, finding our machzor, arranging childcare, attending Kol Nidrei, and making it through the long hours of tefillah.
But some of the most important preparation for Yom Kippur takes place before the fast begins.
It happens in an uncomfortable phone call. In a returned payment. In a carefully written message. In the decision to admit that we spoke carelessly, behaved selfishly, broke a promise, embarrassed someone, or allowed a relationship to remain damaged because apologizing felt too difficult.
Yom Kippur offers extraordinary forgiveness, but it does not allow us to bypass the people we have hurt.
The Mishnah teaches that Yom Kippur brings atonement for transgressions between a person and Hashem. For transgressions between one person and another, however, Yom Kippur does not atone until the injured person has been appeased.
In other words, we cannot ask Hashem to forgive what we have refused to address with another human being.
That does not mean every relationship can be repaired immediately. It does not mean every apology will be accepted, every disagreement will disappear, or every painful history can be resolved before sunset on Erev Yom Kippur.
It means that we are responsible for taking an honest first step.
Two Kinds of Wrongdoing
Jewish tradition distinguishes between two broad categories of transgression.
Bein adam laMakom refers to matters between a person and Hashem. These include failures in mitzvah observance, tefillah, Shabbos, kashrus, or other areas of religious responsibility.
For these wrongs, the path of teshuvah is directed toward Hashem. A person recognizes what happened, regrets it, confesses before Hashem, and commits to behaving differently.
Bein adam lachaveiro refers to matters between one person and another. These include stealing, withholding money, causing embarrassment, damaging someone’s reputation, speaking cruelly, breaking trust, taking advantage of another person, or causing emotional or physical harm.
These actions are also offenses against Hashem. But because another person was injured, turning only to Hashem is not enough.
The Rambam explains that even after returning money or replacing something that was taken, the person who caused the harm must still seek forgiveness from the person who was wronged. Material restitution repairs the loss; asking for mechilah addresses the human wound.
We therefore cannot quietly place money back where it belongs and assume the matter is finished. Nor can we send a warm Yom Kippur greeting while ignoring a debt, a broken commitment, or a pattern of disrespect.
Teshuvah requires us to deal with what actually happened.
Yom Kippur addresses wrongs between a person and Hashem, but harm involving another person must also be repaired directly.
What Does Mechilah Mean?
The Hebrew word mechilah is generally translated as forgiveness. In the period before Yom Kippur, asking for mechilah means approaching someone we have wronged and asking that person to release the grievance against us.
This is not merely a social custom or a polite seasonal gesture. It is part of the process of teshuvah.
Yet asking for mechilah is not the same as asking someone to pretend that nothing happened.
A sincere apology does not demand that the injured person immediately trust us again. It does not erase consequences. It does not force a friendship to return to what it once was. It does not entitle us to renewed access to someone’s home, business, family, or private life.
Mechilah concerns forgiveness. Reconciliation, restored trust, and closeness may require much more time.
Understanding this distinction allows us to approach forgiveness honestly. The person apologizing must take responsibility without demanding a particular response. The person receiving the apology may choose forgiveness while still maintaining necessary boundaries.
Forgiveness may open the door to healing, but restored trust and renewed closeness often require additional time.
Begin by Naming the Wrong
A meaningful apology must acknowledge what actually happened.
Statements such as “I’m sorry for anything I may have done” are sometimes well-intentioned, but they rarely communicate genuine responsibility. They place the burden on the injured person to identify the offense and may suggest that the person apologizing has not seriously considered his or her behavior.
A sincere apology is more specific:
“I should not have spoken about you to other people.”
“I was wrong to raise my voice and embarrass you.”
“I promised that I would complete the work, and I did not follow through.”
“I borrowed money from you and allowed too much time to pass without repaying it.”
“I dismissed what you were feeling instead of listening.”
A meaningful apology identifies the behavior clearly instead of hiding behind vague language.
Specificity shows that we understand what we did. It also prevents us from hiding behind vague language.
However, there are situations in which revealing unknown information could cause new pain or damage. For example, disclosing every detail of harmful speech may injure the person further without providing any practical benefit. Sensitive cases involving lashon hara, family conflict, financial disputes, abuse, or information the other person does not currently know should be discussed with a qualified rav before approaching the person.
The purpose of confession is to repair harm, not to create more of it.
Repair What Can Be Repaired
Words are important, but apologies cannot substitute for restitution.
When money is owed, it should be repaid. When property was damaged, it should be repaired or replaced. When false information was spread, an effort may be required to correct it. When a promise was broken, the person may need to complete the obligation or offer a meaningful alternative.
The Rambam describes interpersonal teshuvah as requiring both the return of what is owed and a request for forgiveness.
Consider the difference between these two statements:
“I’m sorry I never paid you back. I hope you forgive me.”
And:
“I’m sorry that I failed to repay the money when I promised. I am transferring the full amount today. I understand that I placed you in an uncomfortable position, and I am asking you to forgive me.”
The second apology recognizes that remorse must lead to action.
Sometimes full repair cannot happen immediately. A person may not have the money to repay a debt all at once. A damaged reputation cannot always be restored with a single correction. A relationship harmed over many years may require a much longer process.
In those cases, the person should present a truthful and realistic plan. A sincere repayment schedule is better than another promise that will not be kept. Consistent changed behavior is more meaningful than an emotional conversation followed by the same conduct.
An apology cannot replace restitution when money, property, work, or another obligation remains outstanding.
How to Give a Sincere Apology
A strong apology usually contains five elements.
1. State what you did
Avoid vague phrases and name the behavior directly.
“I was wrong to discuss something you told me privately.”
2. Acknowledge the effect
Show that you understand why the action was painful or damaging.
“I broke your trust and placed you in an embarrassing position.”
3. Accept responsibility
Do not attach an excuse that cancels the apology.
“I was upset” may explain the circumstances, but it does not make cruel speech acceptable.
4. Explain how you will repair the damage
Offer restitution, correction, or a concrete change in behavior.
“I have contacted the people I spoke to and told them that I should not have shared the information.”
5. Ask for forgiveness without demanding it
“I am sincerely sorry, and I am asking you to forgive me.”
A complete apology might sound like this:
“I have been thinking about the way I spoke to you during our disagreement. Raising my voice and speaking disrespectfully was wrong. You did not deserve to be treated that way. I am working on pausing before responding when I am angry, and I hope my behavior will show that this apology is sincere. I am asking you to forgive me.”
This language is direct, but it is not dramatic. It keeps the attention on the injured person rather than turning the apology into a performance of our own guilt.
A sincere apology names the behavior, acknowledges its effect, accepts responsibility, and asks for forgiveness without demanding it.
What Weakens an Apology
Certain phrases may sound like apologies while quietly avoiding responsibility.
“I’m sorry you were offended.”
“I’m sorry, but you also hurt me.”
“I’m sorry if you misunderstood.”
“I was only joking.”
“Everyone makes mistakes.”
“Can’t we just move on?”
These statements focus on the other person’s reaction rather than on the behavior that caused the hurt.
An apology is also weakened when it becomes a demand for emotional comfort. The person who caused the harm should not expect the injured person to reassure them, minimize what happened, or immediately say that everything is fine.
The purpose of asking for forgiveness is not to escape discomfort as quickly as possible. It is to face the discomfort honestly enough that repair becomes possible.
An apology becomes weaker when it focuses on excuses, intentions, or the injured person’s reaction instead of the harm itself.
The Problem With Mass Forgiveness Messages
In the days before Yom Kippur, many people send a general message to their contacts:
“If I have done anything to hurt or offend you this year, please forgive me.”
There is nothing inherently wrong with expressing a broad desire for peace. Such a message can be warm and meaningful when sent sincerely.
But it cannot replace a personal apology when we know that we have hurt someone in a specific way.
A mass message allows us to feel that we have fulfilled an obligation without entering the difficult conversation that genuine teshuvah requires. If we know that we embarrassed a colleague, ignored a family member, failed to pay someone, or repeated private information, that person deserves more than a forwarded message.
General goodwill is valuable. Specific harm requires specific attention.
General wishes for peace are meaningful, but known and specific harm requires a personal response.
Do Not Wait Until the Last Minute
Erev Yom Kippur can become emotionally overwhelming. People are preparing meals, arranging children, traveling to shul, finishing work, and trying to enter the day calmly.
Sending a serious apology shortly before the fast may place unfair pressure on the recipient to respond immediately. It may also suggest that the apology is being offered only because the calendar requires it.
Whenever possible, begin earlier.
Give the other person time to process what you have said. Do not repeatedly call or message because you are anxious to receive an answer before Kol Nidrei. The person who was hurt may need time, and respecting that time is itself part of the repair.
Beginning earlier gives the other person time to receive and process an apology without pressure immediately before the fast.
What Happens When Someone Does Not Forgive?
The Rambam teaches that when a sincere request for forgiveness is refused, a person should return with three others and ask again. The process may be repeated up to three times. After genuine efforts have been made and the injured person still refuses, the responsibility shifts; the person who sought forgiveness is not required to pursue the matter indefinitely.
This teaching should not be treated as a technical loophole.
Three rushed messages do not necessarily equal three sincere attempts. Nor should a group be used to intimidate the injured person, publicly expose the conflict, or pressure someone into saying the words “I forgive you.”
The goal is appeasement and repair, not winning a procedural argument.
A person who has caused serious or repeated harm may need to demonstrate change over time before the injured party feels able to forgive. Even when the formal obligation has been addressed, humility may require accepting that trust cannot be restored on our preferred schedule.
Seeking forgiveness may require patience, humility, and more than one sincere attempt.
When Someone Asks Us for Forgiveness
Seeking forgiveness is difficult. Granting it can also be difficult.
The Rambam writes that when a person who caused harm sincerely asks for forgiveness, the injured person should forgive with a complete heart and a willing spirit. The Shulchan Aruch similarly warns against being cruel by refusing a genuine request for forgiveness.
Forgiveness can be an act of generosity and spiritual freedom. Holding tightly to every grievance can keep us emotionally connected to the very injury we wish to leave behind.
But forgiveness should not be confused with denial.
A person may forgive and still require repayment. A person may forgive and still decline to resume a friendship. A person may forgive and still decide that private information will no longer be shared. A person may forgive and continue to protect children, finances, property, or emotional well-being.
In cases of abuse, manipulation, threats, or ongoing danger, no one should be pressured to reestablish contact in the name of Yom Kippur. Safety and appropriate boundaries remain essential. Guidance from a qualified rav and an appropriate professional may be necessary.
Forgiveness does not require making ourselves available to be harmed again.
A person may forgive while still maintaining the boundaries needed to protect trust, safety, and emotional well-being.
What About Mutual Conflict?
Many conflicts do not have only one guilty party. Two people may have spoken badly, behaved defensively, or allowed resentment to grow.
In such a situation, we do not need to settle the entire history of the relationship before apologizing for our own conduct.
We can say:
“I know that both of us were hurt, and there are parts of the disagreement we may understand differently. But I want to take responsibility for the way I spoke. It was disrespectful, and I am sorry.”
This does not require us to accept blame for things we did not do. It means refusing to use the other person’s mistakes as an excuse for our own.
Teshuvah begins when we stop asking, “Who was worse?” and begin asking, “What was my responsibility?”
We do not need to resolve every disagreement before acknowledging and apologizing for our own conduct.
A Practical Inventory Before Yom Kippur
Before reaching out to others, set aside a quiet period of time and review the past year.
Think through the different areas of your life: immediate family, extended family, friendships, work, community, neighbors, business relationships, and online communication.
A focused review of the year helps transform general guilt into concrete steps that can actually be addressed.
Ask yourself:
Did I borrow money or property that I have not returned?
Did I fail to pay someone fully or on time?
Did I embarrass anyone publicly or privately?
Did I share information that was not mine to share?
Did I speak sharply to someone who depended on me?
Did I take credit for another person’s work?
Did I break a commitment and then avoid addressing it?
Did I exclude someone unnecessarily?
Did I allow pride to keep me from correcting a misunderstanding?
Did I apologize previously but continue the same behavior?
The goal is not to create a vague cloud of guilt. The goal is to identify concrete actions that can now be addressed.
Write down the names and the next appropriate step beside each one. Some situations may require a phone call. Others may require repayment, a written apology, a corrected statement, or a conversation with a rav before proceeding.
Then begin.
Making Things Right Is Part of Returning to Hashem
It is tempting to think of Yom Kippur primarily as a private encounter between the individual and Hashem. We stand in shul, recite Vidui, beat our hearts, and ask to be cleansed.
But Torah does not separate spiritual life from the way we treat other people.
The honesty of our tefillah is connected to the honesty of our business dealings. Our request for compassion is connected to the compassion we show at home. Our hope that Hashem will overlook our failures should make us more willing to acknowledge the pain we have caused.
Making amends does not guarantee that every relationship will be restored. Some people will not respond. Some apologies will be rejected. Some damage can only be repaired gradually. Some relationships should remain distant.
The mitzvah is not to control the outcome. It is to take responsibility for our part.
Sometimes the first step toward Yom Kippur is not taken in shul, but in the decision to make an honest and difficult call.
Before Yom Kippur, we are invited to put down our defenses. To stop explaining why our behavior was understandable. To stop waiting for the other person to apologize first. To return what belongs to someone else, correct what we distorted, and speak the words that pride has made difficult.
“I was wrong.”
“I am sorry.”
“What can I do to make this right?”
“Will you forgive me?”
These sentences do not diminish us. They return us to the person we are capable of becoming.
Yom Kippur is not only a day on which we ask Hashem to erase the past. It is a day that calls us to change what the past has left behind.
Sometimes that process begins in shul.
And sometimes it begins with a phone call made before we arrive.